So there's this thing called Love. It causes people to die for it, kill for it, and want it above most things that life has to offer. It is a scary thing... this Love concept. The way it can control one's emotions and make he or she do things that he or she may never do.
I've been in love before. Looking back, I think I've honestly ever truly been in love twice in life. Love scares the shit out of me. I don't understand it, I hate how it controls my every being, and I honestly feel it doesn't exist for me.
Hear me out, peeps, before you start the never-ending mantras of true love will find you, don't go looking for it, or it'll happen when you least expect it. I poop when I least expect it, so let's not throw love in that category too. I have had love... I've have that comfortable, shy love, and I've had that intense, supernova love where it was soooo emotionally connected. I've never had that with anyone before until I met JDS, and I don't know if I can survive that experience again. It was too much, too intense, too emotional... but damnit if I didn't feel so free and ALIVE!
To open up even further, love scares me for another reason, besides it being something I can't control... I feel that no one can love me forever. That I am too difficult to love. Again, before the nice-meaning comments of, "Oh boo, some man is waiting for you... blah blah blahhhhhh," hear me out on this. I know how I am. I am 27, educated, hard-working, and financially secure. My past relationships and dating relationships (there is a difference. I've dated men for monthsssssss and NOT called them my boyfriend-- I wasn't ready for the commitment) weren't fruitful or extremely long term (well my very first "love" was but that is a whole other story). After a while, you start to look at it as, "what's wrong with me? it can't be every guy I've tried to date..." I don't think I'm horrible... I'm extreme in my passion for EVERYTHING! That's how I am. I won't change that.
I also feel that one can't fall in love too quickly. Love at first sight doesn't appeal to me, and I can't rationalize it. I figure its lust. Love is what you get once the lust settles. Love shouldn't really be too crazy in the beginning right? It should be comfortable as time progresses? I honestly can't say because love is a crazy bitch that tries to get pregnant by you when there is a possibility that it can go away. I know people who love to soon and too often. Love shouldn't be given soo freely... or what people assume is love. It is something private and precious. Only the few deserving can have it. I love hard... when I fall, I don't gracefully trip and land on my feet like a cat. I tumble down the side of Mount Everest and can never ever shake the feeling. It takes at least a year to accept that I can't go on loving someone who doesn't love me anymore.
I've acknowledged that I fear commitment, and I understand why. I am afraid of happily ever after because I know it rarely exists. I want to experience that steady love... the kind that is like the sun's rays gently warming you all over, inside-out, and you never grow tired of it. I just don't see that for me.
I am not writing this for comments on "the one will find you, girl." I'm ok with being alone and being a cat lady. I just thought I would share my views because my real friends will notice that I do not post about guys and love all the time... hardly ever really (unless there's an awesome quote I like), but just know that behind the cute cat pictures, behind the hello kitty, behind the random cutesy videos, I am real, I have depth, but I just choose not to share that part of myself. I have a trust issue. People manipulate weaknesses, in my experience... So if there is a day where I meet "the one," no one will know until I can openly admit it to myself. But if not, here's to more cat photos.
