L-O-V-E

"To be in love is like jumping off a cliff with no intent of looking down at the bottom. You don’t care if it’s going to hurt like hell when you crash. All you care about is that for a short period of time, you felt like you could fly."

So there's this thing called Love. It causes people to die for it, kill for it, and want it above most things that life has to offer. It is a scary thing... this Love concept. The way it can control one's emotions and make he or she do things that he or she may never do.

I've been in love before. Looking back, I think I've honestly ever truly been in love twice in life. Love scares the shit out of me. I don't understand it, I hate how it controls my every being, and I honestly feel it doesn't exist for me.

Hear me out, peeps, before you start the never-ending mantras of true love will find you, don't go looking for it, or it'll happen when you least expect it. I poop when I least expect it, so let's not throw love in that category too. I have had love... I've have that comfortable, shy love, and I've had that intense, supernova love where it was soooo emotionally connected. I've never had that with anyone before until I met JDS, and I don't know if I can survive that experience again. It was too much, too intense, too emotional... but damnit if I didn't feel so free and ALIVE!

To open up even further, love scares me for another reason, besides it being something I can't control... I feel that no one can love me forever. That I am too difficult to love. Again, before the nice-meaning comments of, "Oh boo, some man is waiting for you... blah blah blahhhhhh," hear me out on this. I know how I am. I am 27, educated, hard-working, and financially secure. My past relationships and dating relationships (there is a difference. I've dated men for monthsssssss and NOT called them my boyfriend-- I wasn't ready for the commitment) weren't fruitful or extremely long term (well my very first "love" was but that is a whole other story). After a while, you start to look at it as, "what's wrong with me? it can't be every guy I've tried to date..." I don't think I'm horrible... I'm extreme in my passion for EVERYTHING! That's how I am. I won't change that.

I also feel that one can't fall in love too quickly. Love at first sight doesn't appeal to me, and I can't rationalize it. I figure its lust. Love is what you get once the lust settles. Love shouldn't really be too crazy in the beginning right? It should be comfortable as time progresses? I honestly can't say because love is a crazy bitch that tries to get pregnant by you when there is a possibility that it can go away. I know people who love to soon and too often. Love shouldn't be given soo freely... or what people assume is love. It is something private and precious. Only the few deserving can have it. I love hard... when I fall, I don't gracefully trip and land on my feet like a cat. I tumble down the side of Mount Everest and can never ever shake the feeling. It takes at least a year to accept that I can't go on loving someone who doesn't love me anymore.

I've acknowledged that I fear commitment, and I understand why. I am afraid of happily ever after because I know it rarely exists. I want to experience that steady love... the kind that is like the sun's rays gently warming you all over, inside-out, and you never grow tired of it. I just don't see that for me. 

I am not writing this for comments on "the one will find you, girl." I'm ok with being alone and being a cat lady. I just thought I would share my views because my real friends will notice that I do not post about guys and love all the time... hardly ever really (unless there's an awesome quote I like), but just know that behind the cute cat pictures, behind the hello kitty, behind the random cutesy videos, I am real, I have depth, but I just choose not to share that part of myself. I have a trust issue. People manipulate weaknesses, in my experience... So if there is a day where I meet "the one," no one will know until I can openly admit it to myself. But if not, here's to more cat photos.

Resolution to NOT have a Resolution

Randomness in three parts....

PART ONE

So, it is ~1830 here on the east coast as we wait to bring in the new year. I have no resolutions this year because like most people, I will not keep it. I REFUSE to be a resolutioner lol... but I realize why I can't keep resolutions- I am a commitment-phobe...

Before you scoff at me and tell me I sound like a lying man (yes, you men bashers, I mean you!), I realized I do have a problem. I won't even join a gym because I can't commit for a year. I'm surprised I still continue to go to school. I don't start workout plans because I know at some point I will become uncommitted. I don't join clubs or groups that require active involvement... My dating life sucks- well, I get bored there, but anyhoo I have a problem with commitment.

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PART TWO

Ok, so if anyone has an asian parent (mainly filipino) you've probably grown up doing random things during the holidays. It wasn't until I got older than I realized how superstitious my mother was. On NYE, my mother would make us clean the house from top to bottom, washing everything, even giving the cats a bath. The she would could pancit (for luck) and anything with beef and pork. We would also have 12 different kinds of fruit to represent the 12 months of the year and hope that they will be fruitful.

At the stroke of midnight, my mother would have us open all the doors and windows to let in the new air of the new year and blessings and blah.

So here's the break down- my mother won't cook chicken because it's a representative of how your year will be. One tends to have bigger cuts of meat with beef and pork and not in chicken wings. Also, I didn't mention, she'd have us put cotton in the corners... still confused on what that does. Also, you can't spend monday on 1 Jan, you can't do laundry, and you have to throw money (coins) outside and have a man come pick them up and bring them into the house... again not sure what this does. 

So every new years since I've left home as been normal- meaning vodka was involved lol I'm also thinking my mother made up half of these things to deal with a daughter that had an overactive imagination... well played, Mom, well played...

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PART THREE

So let's recap on some highlights of 2012-

1- I got on a boat- I had a project that required this airman to become a seaman... hahahaa I said seaman. I'd never really been on the ocean like that. It was fun. I experienced something new.

2- I admitted I had a problem- I had issues readjusting after my deployment. I was very angry, but with my support system, I was able to control my anger and take it out at the gym as opposed to a certain coworker who gets on my last nerve. I still don't understand why I was soo angry, but I recognize the signs of me not giving too much of a damn and am able to walk away without hurting anyone with my words.

3- I went sky diving- holy crap!!!!!!! I have never had such an exhilarating experience in my entire life! holy moly!!! and I enjoyed it with my Prima!

4- I was blessed with my hyperactive puddin' pot pie Reggie James- My mom rescued a little tuxedo kitten who is now the love of my life. I can't wait to dress him up in ridiculous costumes.

5- The saddest thing- I let go of my best friend and someone I felt was my soulmate... I said goodbye to this man. I couldn't take being hurt anymore. Just because you're supposed to fall in love with your best friend doesn't mean they fall in love with you in the process... or they do fall in love with you but then fall out again. I will never forget him, but I know I can't go on in 2013 with him in my life. I wish him the best, but I can't stand by and continue to feel like a knife is being stabbed in my heart. I love you, JDS, but now I have to love myself more.

I won't sit here and say 2013 will be THE year, but I will say I'm graduating from college!!! I was supposed to this year but life happened. I will meet new people, kick my dad out of the air force, and travel back to Korea. I will learn more about myself as I enter this new chapter of my life. I'm starting the new year off with a move, hopefully it'll be a positive sign of new beginnings and new experiences. See you then, bitches!

A House Divided Will Not Stand

***Note*** I agree that one has the freedom of speech. I don't care about the funny stuff posted on FB; I'm not harping on that... it's the ignorant shit... You know the kind... I respect my friends' opinions as I hope they respect mine. In the end, I still love u <3.

So, peoples, the election season is finally over... I think it is ironic, and damned hypocritical how we reacted as a country. Picture it... Summer 2012, we united as Amuricans cheering on our teams as they fought to bring the gold home... fast forward to Oct/Nov 2012... we are at each other's throats arguing and at time showing blatant hate and disregard towards candidates not of our choosing. Some folks actually argued with facts and were able to prove why they were supporting a certain candidate, and kept it classy and respectful... never discussing race. The interwebs is a wonderful thing, but it also serves as a reminder that there is ignorance out there. Some people do not know how to properly express their feelings without showing hate, ignorance, and embarrassment.

One team!!! Amurica!! If you don't like it, git out!          

We do not all have to agree. We are adults and can express our likes, dislikes, loves, and hates respectfully and with words... some of the negative things I have seen about Romney and Obama disgust me. Both men campaigned hard and fought for an office that most of us do not ever want to sit in. While I will not disclose whom I voted for, I will say as an undecided voter, both men came with it hard, and me googling things to make sure I understood what was being said. I will not claim to be politically savvy, but I also will not defend my vote to anyone. I knew which issues were important to me and voted accordingly.

That all being said, President Obama is still running this country. No one's perfect. I feel expectations were higher than they should have been for the first four years of his term. We were in two wars... wars cost money. Congress declares war. We as Amuricans were all for it in the beginning. Saying, "Get the friggin Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and anyone on the FBI's terrorist watch list!"If Romney was elected, I believe he would've had a rough start as well with the country recovering from one war, still in the second one, and possibly moving into other conflicts because our enemies see our weaknesses. We fight intracountry instead of having the mentally of WE AMERICANS vs ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FUCK WITH US, we fight within ourselves and selfishly fight against our president instead of trying to help as whole.

The hate we provoke.

Maybe I am too Little House on the Prairie with my thinking because I know we will not come together as a country like we did when 9/11 occurred or during the Olympic games, but just think about it... U.S. = US. Our country has evolved and changed from since the Constitution and Declaration of Independence were written. There are more problems in the world that affect us as a nation. Write to your Congressmen/women. Bug the hell out of them until they do SOMETHING!

More hate we provoke...

http://www.binscorner.com/pages/d/death-threats-against-bush-at-protests-i.html
More bad things, but about former Pres. Bush

Sorry for prolonging this, but it's not often I get upset. I swore to protect and defend this nation with my life so for that price, I will put in my two cents. You can agree to disagree... again these are some of my personal thoughts, but we need to get over the election, support this country, and show the world why America has always been a force to be reckoned with. There is no other country as diverse as ours. We celebrate each other's cultures, we cheer on each other, and we fight together. We are AMERICANS. One country... indivisible...

I'm not a player... I just crush a lot...

Ok... so I am 27 years old, and I have a crush... it's a tiny one, and one I'm not going to act on, but I've done some thinking... how old is too old to crush? Like is there a timeframe... a time limit on things like this?

SO here's the scoop... this guy isn't what most people would call handsome. He's quirky and shy. I don't even really know what attracts me to him, I just know I think he's too cute and his awkwardness is adorable.

Now, here's the thing... I won't ever talk to him. I mean I've said hey and such, but that's about it. I turn into a big dork... that's not me. I am a confident, HIRARIOUS, and sure of myself... but I turn into baby puddin' when I crush on someone.

My friends say I should speak... I can't... I mean I'm leaving in February, he may not like me- I know its 2012, but not everyone is down with the mixings if you get what I'm saying, and after gathering much intel, I believe this guy is legally separated... yea not going there. I've been burned with the divorcee before... I can't go down that road right now.

Soooo I won't sit here and complain or anything about why I'm single... I am ok, but I'm not doing anything about it... which again raises the question- Am I too damn old to have a crush?

Shit just got real...

So my probably less than 10 followers (it's about quality not quantity right?), I know I super suck at writing on this thing. I am currently TDY to Florida for a week and also going to school online. The class is 8 weeks long so there's tons of reading on boring subjects that I would rather gain a pound a day... ok maybe its not THAT bad, but still you get my point.

Real Shit

Some of you may have noticed I changed my title to the blog. Life Actually was good for that moment in time, but now I feel at 27 I need to change it up a bit. Make it spicy... add some humor. It may also help that I am half-way through Mindy Kaling's book, LOVIN' IT!!!!!, and realizing that comedy really is laughing at someone else's tragedy. So you know what, I won't bother my homie Jesus and his pop's God with my trivial matters... you hear people praying to them or to Allah, or to Stephen Hawkins (scientology right? who cares... Tom Cruise has shown the seriousness I will take for that) but never  bugging Buddha... no one ever bugs him right?

New Places, New Faces

So here's the deal, I just found out about my assignment after Korea... I'm going across the pond to jolly old England. Now before you become green with envy, I am going to NORTHERN ENGLAND.... Like it's bloody cold all year round. I am excited though, but sadly I know there won't be any hot princes up there... but 1 of 2 things could happen once I reach my chilly, but very Britishy locale... 1- I meet a hot Scotsman (Northern England... anything's possible) whom I marry while he wears a kilt and I a wedding pants suit. We have mocha colored babies with flaming red hair and freckles... orrrr 2- I meet Prince Harry, he falls in love with my blasianess, we get married and even Her Grace, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (I love love LOVE HER) is my maid of honor and we become BFFs. Harry or Harr Bear as I will call him have mocha colored, flaming red head babies with freckles... either way I get red pandas... that excites me!

Think about it- Blasian Cajun, the Duchess of something on the knoll... I can totally live this dream in my head. Our children will be named William and Philip of course... gingers of course... freckled of course, but bloody a quarter ninja and a quarter gangster to kick anyones ass who makes fun of them! and half white where it's just enough that they won't get audited.

But if I have my Scottie too Hottie...head of the Kilkenny Clan (again my fuckin dreams, get your own), our children Liam and Weiland will take after their father and learn to do manly things like ride a horse in a kilt and throw logs.

Fin

So to keep this uber (how do I use umlauts?) short, I will leave you with this, I'm tired of not feeling like myself. I am a humorous gal. I got caught up in my own head on feelings about JDS and now I've realized I have to really let it go, and guess what, I survived. I'm ok. I fell for my best friend, got burned, but I'm still here. I will always care for him; I put myself out there... I didn't hold back, but it was just me wanting something to spark between us. We had a fire that I had to let extinguish. So here's to realizing my worth, knowing what I want... and being ALIVE! Besides, my Scotsman will probably be just what I need... <3

Free Fallin'

So today I did something I've always wanted to do, but was too afraid to do... until now... I went sky diving!!! The feeling of absolute freedom was exhilarating!!!! It is a feeling I cannot describe. I did it to celebrate my 27th birthday, but at the same time, I did it to give my self a sense of freedom.

My bday was Sunday and of course family and friends called to wish me well... but a part of me hoped that thru it all I would hear from the one person who still owns my heart- JDS. Of course he forgot when my bday was... or what I really feel is he didn't care to tell me. It hurt because I still do care for him. It's hard, but I take it day by day. Doing this jump made me realize that I am capable of facing fears and doing great things because in life we have to take risks.

Even though I didn't hear from him, I won't let it ruin my vacation home. It just wasn't ever meant to be between he and I... and I can't give him the friendship he says he wants because I feel how I do. I fell for him, but now I need to fall out. I just jumped out of a freakin plane... how crazy is that?

It's all about yo... ME!

So I know it has been quite a while since I've written. I've been busy doing... stuffs. Ok, maybe not that busy, but I did start school again AND I am teaching my naturalization class again. It feels great to help. Other than that, a lot has happened emotionally I guess... SDI and I no longer talk. As much as it hurt me to let go, I needed to do it. He gave me the right opportunity to say, "Hey I give up," and throw down the gloves.

Your heart and brain rationalize feelings differently. Your brain realizes you need to let go waaaaay before your heart does... or rather that spot in your brain that lets you feel emotion, but whatever, I'm not Dr. Oz. Anyhoooo... He told me something that I couldn't get over. I knew this was what I need to do... and I also ended that previous sentence with a preposition. I care for him more than I should, but I know with me letting him go and my future PCS (move for you civilians) to Korea, along with school and teaching and random kitten video watching on Youtube, I will move on from how I feel about him.

Also, every now and then I get weird random messages from Mr. Big. Seriously, dude wanted to drive to Denver to meet me... that would've been like 8 hours from where he lives. We don't talk everyday. We don't really talk ever. I thought he was back with his baby mama since she says she loves him all up and down his facebook page. WHO DOES THAT? And baby was trying to spit that okie doke on me talking about he would make the drive just to have coffee with me. This man is over 30... I thought the games would stop but apparently not. Poor girl...

Anyway, I miss SDI being in my life, but I'm here and there, he's in Germany doing his thing, we are never going to be together. I'm not one of those ppl that believe in being a half person waiting to meet "THE ONE" and become whole. Fuck that, I'm whole now. I don't believe in fairy tales. I'm a realist... I used to be a dreamer, I used to be naive, but I grew out of that when the cruelty of ppl really showed through. I try to do what's best for me because no one else will look out for me. I need to separate my wants, those desires, from what I really need.

I'm about to have my 27th bday and I KNOW my mother or someone will throw in a comment about me being as old as I am with no kids, no husband, and getting up there in years. I am not settling with just anyone because I do not fear being alone. I do not fear never having children. I do not fear dying unloved. I fear settling for someone who doesn't truly love me. I fear having children with a man who is dishonest and flighty. I fear dying unloved when I love with my entire being. Those are my fears. I'd rather die alone being honest to myself than live with a man who doesn't love me. That my friends is what we should fear.