TRUST...

I trust no one, not even myself.- J. Stalin


Trust is something that we are told must be earned not given freely. There are those who trust freely until done wrong, and there are those who wait and watch making people earn his or her trust. I am in the latter group. I wasn't always like this but over the years, in order to survive, I had to transform myself. It is very hard for me to show emotions and express myself. Over the past few months, I have been trying to get better at it. I've tried being completely open... but then I got burned. I do not blame the other person. I had issues expressing much after I told them something personal. In my mind keeping space was necessary for the other to grow in their respective setting, but obviously that was probably the wrong thing to do, thus getting burned.

Recently, a friend of mine, or someone whom I thought was a friend, played a joke on me. It wasn't a hahaha joke, but one that upset me. I begged for clarity, but kept getting vague answers. I know this person can joke around quite a bit, but which this certain topic, it was no joking matter, especially since I was visibly upset and even said so. Well, this person never owned up to playing a joke on me. I had to go as far as asking Hypocrite* what his BFF was referring to. Hypocrite called my gullible for believing the Joker*. I suddenly remembered why I deleted his ass in the first place....

I hate when people try to make you feel stupid for how you feel. I was upset. I have trust problems, and one of my worst fears was seeming to come true thru this person. I defended him before when others said he was a douche. Now I know they were right. I feel stupid yet again, but not because he was playing with me, but because I thought he had enough respect for me as a person to not joke about something like that.

I refuse to be susceptible to someone who thinks hurting me is hilarious. I will not live in a state of fear. I refuse to apologize how I feel about ANYTHING. They are MY feelings for a reason. So that being said... I say this to Joker.... COME AT ME, BRO!

Atonement...

"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind."

Hello readers, I guess for the most part, my blog is on a pretty serious level being that I like to talk about what I notice or go through in life. I never wanted to be a writer. I love to read, however I know I wouldn't have the patience to complete anything. The ADHD would kick in. So my blog is a place where I express my feelings/views on things. Sometimes I can be jokey, but other times like this, I will be a little more serious. Sorry if this isn't that "FUN" blog you are looking for on the interwebs. I read those too, but that's not me.

The quote above in the title signifies a lot to me. I first read it in a romance novel when I was like 13 (no judgement zone here, people!). I think it was Ingersoll who said it, but don't quote me on it, and I'm too lazy to google, but it rings truth. Anyhow, if most of you read my previous blog post/fable/me trying to be creative and express myself figuratively in the literal sense, then this quote pertains to a lot of the underlying feelings I tried not to showcase in the post. I tried to remain unaffected and objective, but now it's time to explain myself.

Hypocrite is someone I know. I am Fool. I was angry when I read what he wrote. Not because of the fact that we won't work, but the fact that he lied to me. I can respect honesty. I can't respect lying. I don't know if I should dignify his statements with a response, but I wrote one out to myself to at least document my feelings and views. I wasn't in love with him by any means, but I did like him. We were friends for years, it partly felt natural that we should try to take it to the next level, but it wasn't meant to be, and now that I think of all the things we went through, would it have even lasted? Did he do me a favor? I'm ok now. Again, I wasn't upset he found someone, just how he treated me. I'm tired of how men I've dated/talked treat me. Like I don't deserve to be respected during difficult times.

I'm glad I never fell in love with him. I'm not even mad anymore. I hope he does find happiness, but I also hope he learns respect and courtesy towards others. You don't treat people any way you want. I felt like i deserved a better good-bye than that. So below is the message I will never send him, but felt the need to write for my benefit:

I read your little message a few days ago. I find what you said to me and how you said it very disingenuous and disrespectful. I’m not mad. I could care less who you want to fall for and what not. Not my issue. I do have a problem with what I feel on how you’ve handled the situation. Honestly, did you read what you wrote before you sent it? It sounded like you were placating yourself and saying exactly what you thought that would help justify what happened and help you sleep better at night. Maybe I’m the stupid one for thinking that if I opened up to you and told you how I was done wrong, you wouldn’t do the same thing. Hell, Hypocrite, your most recent ex just pulled some shit similar to this with you. And sadly, I thought you had more respect for me as a person to not come at me with this blatant bullshit. I feel like you fed me lies to placate me and now you’re doing everything you said you wouldn’t. You can’t help whom you like, but you can have respect for someone else’s feelings and control the bullshit that comes out of your mouth. Reading what you wrote made me angry. I felt humiliated. I didn’t see this coming at all. I feel lied to and disrespected. You didn’t think I deserved to hear this over the phone at least? No, probably not because it would’ve been too difficult, not thinking that it would’ve been the right thing to do. A friendship with you at this point seems somewhat impossible. I don’t trust you. You could’ve handled this better, but you chose to take the easy way out and not even ask to verify if I understood what you said. I’m not mad about you finding someone else. That’s irrelevant. You can’t help whom you fall for in life. It just happens, but I will say I felt like you slapped me in the face. Good luck.


I don't trust easy. All I can do now is crawl back into my shell. Luckily, I have priorities and I stick to them. School, gym, work... that's all I do. I think honestly, I'm just reallllllly mad at the gas money I wasted to see him. I mean gas was like $4.15 a gallon when we started hanging out. I have an 18.3 or whatever gallon tank! So now that I've written this out , I can move forward yay... and again, I'm so thankful that I was still in a light infatuation phase. I wasn't anywhere near what I felt for the last guy, so maybe his poorly written message was my saving grace before I was on the road to crazy-ville. And........


The fun is just beginning... we are going to Korea together. Oh boy!

The Hypocrite and the Fool

Listen up, kiddies, for one of BC's fables... what lesson will you learn?

Once upon a time there was a man named Hypocrite and a girl named Fool. Fool enjoyed spending time with Hypocrite. Fool knew her feelings for him were growing, so she did what she thought she had to do and told him. Fool told Hypocrite she liked him and that maybe she should stop spending time with him because she knew he wasn’t ready for anything serious, and neither was she really for that matter, but she was moving on from something else. Hypocrite told her that he liked her too, but wasn’t ready for anything because of the previous bad breakup. He told her he wanted to go with the flow and just see what happened with them since they were going to live very close to each other soon. Fool knew she had a problem trusting men, but she had known Hypocrite for over 6 years and thought that she could trust him. Hypocrite took her out, let her meet his friends, and spent time with her.

Fool believed him. She relished in the fact that maybe something could happen but she had to stop self-sabotaging herself with her weird trust issues and tendencies to push people away. Well… one day, Fool gets a message from Hypocrite saying, “Hey some things have happened the last few days that have changed my outlook with some things. I'm just going to be up front and tell you that I met a girl that I really really like and we have been hanging out lately. So the position this puts me in, is I don't want to mess things up with her. I'm going to be respectful and not try to play anybody and see where her and I go. This was very short notice, but I have to cancel those plans we had with you coming down. Sorry...”

Fool felt, well, foolish. She had betrayed herself by trying and being open to only find that he didn’t give a shit about her, and that what he told her before was true. “Guys can be monogamous, but it’s the fact that they don’t want just you.” How true you were Hypocrite… Touche’ cause you actually practice what you preach… So maybe he’s not a hypocrite after all, but Fool is still a fool.

            Moral of the story - Life's tough so get a helmet.

The Birds and the Bees

Do you all remember when your parents sat you down to tell you about s-e-x? For some it may have been a traumatizing experience, but for others pure comedy or a feeling of unpreparedness. For me, I remember the first 'talk' I had. I was 10 and living with my father in Alaska...

Some people know me as a pretty intelligent, motivated, and fast-track individual. I was always an 'A' student and studied hard all through school (this will make sense in a minute). That being said, my father who hates sensitive topic subjects enrolled me in the human, growth, and development class offered at my school. He sat me down after the first class and told me I could come to him about absolutely anything. Needless to say I never did. It was awkward enough for him to tell me I could ask him about things... I didn't need to prolong that...

Fast-forward 2 years later... puberty hits. I'm officially a woman. My mother is a very superstitious Filipina who had been preparing me for this moment for 3 years. Once she embarrassed me in front of my whole family about it, we had a talk. She told me now I could have a baby so I needed to make sure I never had sex until I was married...

Needless to say, no one told me about the things I really needed to know about sex. Everyone talked about the mechanics and the consequences, but no one ever said how you would feel about it. That opened up a can of worms for people to get freaky deaky with things and thats how we end up with S&M and 2 girls 1 cup type of shit. Maybe those girls would've known that sticking a brownie up your ass and shitting it out later and putting it in your mouth may not be the greatest of ideas... and btw, now you have pink eye and a severe case of halitosis.

So, this got me thinking... what the hell would I tell my kids? Would I tell them the stork brought them? I found them in a cabbage patch? I ate a watermelon seen and SURPRISE!!! BABY!? I think I would tell my kids the most disgusting version of sex so they would be too scared to try until they left for college at least. The thought just terrifies me...

SN: I think my parentals view my purity as being intact...

Annoying ppl who don't realize they annoy you...

Before I start into my daily rant, please see nasty Joke my friend Jen from school told me today...(not for the faint of heart...or prude)

Q- Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?
A- Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?! (Oh gawd the visual!!!)


Ok, now on to the real deal here... so yeah there's a coworker of mine, let's call him Fudd, that doesn't read my nonverbals very well... I mean have you ever been so deep into work that you are in the zone! You are drafting up reports and sending out emails quickly and efficiently. You know you will go home actually feeling good about yourself knowing you are fuckin awesome and doing a kick ass job and no one can stop you!.. well you haven't met Fudd.

Fudd thinks he's a god only because his branch of service tells him so. For some reason, I feel like he's one of those ppl that need everyone to like them. I am polite to him when I am not busy. I will ask about him and his family, or be like, "yeah, Fudd, I have time for a swash-buckling tale!" But Fudd does it ALL.THE.TIME!!!!!

He likes to bother me... I feel like it's just me and he doesn't see that I'm busy. He doesn't read my nonverbals or see in my eyes the temper I have restrained. So today, I'm talking to one of my Hello Kitty soulmates about "GIRL" things, and he just walks in and sits down. I'm like well let me go make this phone call (understood receiver of the call was my gyno), and Fudd is like who? I'm like no one... what I really wanted to say was none of your damn business. Like seriously... do you have to come in and be nosy to everyone??? I don't want you to know anything about me other than what I choose to share with you. OMG I can't wait to leave this place and the ppl who feel like I need to like them because apparently EVERYONE likes them. Get over it. You're like 30 something years old.

Why are ppl like this? Honestly, I don't lose sleep at night if someone doesn't like me. I'm like ok and keep it moving. There's a certain someone who isn't to me and the reasons why are understandable, but we both still sleep at night. I understand they just need time and space.. done and done. But Fudd doesn't read my nonverbals, but unlike the other individual, I can't just come out and say what I really think because that will result in some paperwork.

But why are these types of ppl blind to the obvious? Does he not want to believe that out of 10 ppl, 1 doesn't like him? I mean thats life right, folks? Not everyone is gonna like you so do a stiff upper British lip and keep calm and carry on??? Isn't that what's supposed to happen??? UGH is it February yet????? Is there a nice way to tell someone to fuck off?

When beauty isn't enough...

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone”- Dorothy Parker

Question: Have you ever liked someone whom everyone else thought was completely textbook unattractive, but there was something endearing about that that made you LIKE them?

The questioned posed above came from a conversation with Quartzite and I one day while driving. We were talking about how there are some men out there that are not classically handsome, but their personalities just completely overwhelm your sight and you are drawn to them and would date them given the opportunity.

I think most of us ladies (I’m sure some men could relate, but I’m a woman and know a majority of my friends who read this are women…so let me friggin do what I want) have been in this situation before… but have never acted on it. Why not? Do we care what our friends would say? There comes a point when beauty and the flashiness of certain materialistic things become void. Looks fade and then when you’re with someone who you want to be with forever, you have to have something deeper to get you through the hard times and the years ahead.

I am not currently in a relationship, but have been in them and know that they all take work… whether it’s a friendship or intimate bf/gf thing (marriage counts), both parties need to be putting in some effort.

I have a coworker who isn’t what most would think is super attractive, but his personality is out-friggin-standing. I am attracted to him. I think I have a thing for men with power/intellect so I can’t say for sure, but I was drawn to him since our first conversation. There is a perfectly good reason I don’t say anything, but that’s my point. His personality is what really drew me to him. I know we all say that the person must be attractive… and hes not hideous, just not what SOCIETY (those fuckers) would deem attractive enough to grace the covers of Vanity Fair. I mean come on, Julia Roberts proved this theory best when she was married to Lyle Lovett… if you don’t know what I mean, google him, don’t worry I’ll wait :P.

Point is, when do we stand up for our own happiness and not let society dictate whom we should like? And why are our family and friends sometimes unsupportive? Looks only go so far, and sometimes the ugliest people are the ones most beautiful on the surface.

Life Actually... I tell it like it is

Ok, former Oreo lovers, I have started writing anew. I thought I would retire from the world of blogging, but I've realized in some way I do get something out of this. That being said... I will try to be happier in my blogs and talk of real things, not just the things I feel at the time. This has been an awesome outlet for me to say how I really feel. But with freedom of speech, came repercussions. I am an adult and must take responsibility in my actions. I want to be happier and mentally/emotionally healthier so I will try my best to stick to the facts of my writing... to bring humor into the lives of others as well as find myself.

I've named this new blog "Life actually" to signify that nothing will be embellished, but told from a straight forward attitude with humor on the side. The whole point is to be happier so let's get that way. In these new efforts, I hope to gain insight on myself. I am not perfect, I fall and fail daily, but I need to find happiness...

We shall see where this new blog takes us. So enjoy the new path that I have taken... the high road if you will on the journey to define self-fulfillment and to inexplicably show how life actually is...