It's all about yo... ME!

So I know it has been quite a while since I've written. I've been busy doing... stuffs. Ok, maybe not that busy, but I did start school again AND I am teaching my naturalization class again. It feels great to help. Other than that, a lot has happened emotionally I guess... SDI and I no longer talk. As much as it hurt me to let go, I needed to do it. He gave me the right opportunity to say, "Hey I give up," and throw down the gloves.

Your heart and brain rationalize feelings differently. Your brain realizes you need to let go waaaaay before your heart does... or rather that spot in your brain that lets you feel emotion, but whatever, I'm not Dr. Oz. Anyhoooo... He told me something that I couldn't get over. I knew this was what I need to do... and I also ended that previous sentence with a preposition. I care for him more than I should, but I know with me letting him go and my future PCS (move for you civilians) to Korea, along with school and teaching and random kitten video watching on Youtube, I will move on from how I feel about him.

Also, every now and then I get weird random messages from Mr. Big. Seriously, dude wanted to drive to Denver to meet me... that would've been like 8 hours from where he lives. We don't talk everyday. We don't really talk ever. I thought he was back with his baby mama since she says she loves him all up and down his facebook page. WHO DOES THAT? And baby was trying to spit that okie doke on me talking about he would make the drive just to have coffee with me. This man is over 30... I thought the games would stop but apparently not. Poor girl...

Anyway, I miss SDI being in my life, but I'm here and there, he's in Germany doing his thing, we are never going to be together. I'm not one of those ppl that believe in being a half person waiting to meet "THE ONE" and become whole. Fuck that, I'm whole now. I don't believe in fairy tales. I'm a realist... I used to be a dreamer, I used to be naive, but I grew out of that when the cruelty of ppl really showed through. I try to do what's best for me because no one else will look out for me. I need to separate my wants, those desires, from what I really need.

I'm about to have my 27th bday and I KNOW my mother or someone will throw in a comment about me being as old as I am with no kids, no husband, and getting up there in years. I am not settling with just anyone because I do not fear being alone. I do not fear never having children. I do not fear dying unloved. I fear settling for someone who doesn't truly love me. I fear having children with a man who is dishonest and flighty. I fear dying unloved when I love with my entire being. Those are my fears. I'd rather die alone being honest to myself than live with a man who doesn't love me. That my friends is what we should fear.